Tuesday, January 23, 2007

My Favorite Murdering Pig Farmer

If you live in Vancouver, you can't escape the media hoopla over the Robert Pickton murder trial, which started yesterday. Mr. Pickton (shown above) is the Coquitlam pig farmer who murdered 49 women and then disposed of their bodies, largely by rendering their corpses and feeding the consumable portions to his hogs. It took four years to prepare this case for trial, and by now most people no longer care. There is something dark and mysterious about British Columbia, this province which produced a series of serial killers. We have the most callous whacko butchers in Canada. Sadists like Clifford Olson who killed children by driving spikes into their skulls, the fanatic Sikh "family men" who blew up Hindus with suitcase bombs, and oddball Robert Pickton, who preyed on Vancouver prostitutes. My favorite case in the bunch was Gilbert Paul Jordan, Vancouver's "demon barber". He was actually recorded on surveillance tape as he forced women to swallow lethal quantities of alcohol. The Pickton trial may be a milestone but it's just a marker on an endless road. We all know there will soon be another maniac killing spree in Vancouver. The circus of horror will once again be open for admission.

The best medicine is to laugh it all off. Now my favorite murdering pig farmer is Brick Top, who appeared in Guy Ritchie's fab film SNATCH. When the cold blooded mobster dispenses advice to amateurs, the humour is priceless.
"You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.
Apparently, the best thing to do...
...is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.
And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them.
Cause it's no good leaving it in the freezer for your mum to discover,
now is it?
Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs.
You gotta starve the pigs for a few days...then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead.
You gotta shave the heads of your victims and pull the teeth out...
...for the sake of the piggies' digestion.
You could do this afterwards, of course...
...but you don't want to go sieving through pigshit, now do yah?
They will go through bone like butter.
You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting...
...so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm.
They will go through a body that weighs two hundred pounds...
...in about eight minutes.
That means that a single pig...
can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh...
...every minute.
Hence the expression... ..."as greedy... as... a pig".

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